


Siamese Twist

by superfundsite (orphan_account)



Category: Red Dwarf (UK TV)
Genre: Kissing, M/M, Pocket Dimensions - Freeform, Seduction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:55:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23542726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/superfundsite
Summary: When the boys from the Dwarf find a machine that seems to be able to transport them to a parallel universe, it leads to some unexpected consequences, and a strange quest for Dave Lister to undertake.
Relationships: Dave Lister/Ace Rimmer, Dave Lister/Arnold Rimmer, Dave Lister/High Rimmer, Dave Lister/Low Rimmer, Holovirus Rimmer/Dave Lister
Comments: 6
Kudos: 38





	Siamese Twist

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from Siamese Twist by Flesh for Lulu. Plot is paper thin but its almost 3 AM and i can't be bothered to go back and rewrite anything.

Well, no one had any idea that the dimension hopper found on board that old ship would take them… to a dimension as weird as this.

Even weirder still, that it would take Rimmer hostage, and the gang watched helplessly as Rimmer reached out for Lister’s hand, and was sucked into the vortex that formed where he stood as Kryten flipped the switch on the dimension hopper.

Cat watched stunned, and then grinned toothily. “We don’t have to go get him, right?”

“Cat!” Lister yelled.

“What? Maybe we can finally get rid of Mister Goalpost Head.” Cat scoffed, and pulled out his nail file.

Kryten shook his head and muttered as he examined the console.

“Sir, it seems that as Rimmer was the closest in proximity, it just suckered him in. The machine is still functional, but it can only take one person at a time. Suggest that if we are to go look for Mister Rimmer, we send only one person, and the remaining two stay behind to supervise the machine and pilot Starbug.”

Lister sighed deeply. “Right. No hologram left behind, I’ll go. Kryten, you stay with the machine, Cat, go up and keep an eye out for anything.”

“Sure thing.” Cat sauntered back into the cockpit, and Kryten began to start up the machine again. Lister grabbed a bazookoid off the wall.

“Wish me luck, Krytes.” 

The vortex opened once again, and Lister felt compressed from every direction, almost agonizing. Rimmer better appreciate what he’d done for him once they got back.

His vision is only filled with the bright green light of the vortex, and he lands, falling, on a hard forest floor, littered with leaves and detritus. That was weird, Lister thinks, getting up and making sure the bazookoid’s safety is off. If it was another situation with Rimmer’s psiscape, better to be safe than sorry.

He walks a bit further, and he sees a huge, ancient mansion. The lights seem to be on, and the sky is beginning to darken rapidly, as if it were a thunderstorm on the approach.

Lister shudders. Weird.

The mansion is surrounded by an iron-wrought gate, and as he pushes it open, it creaks noisily, and he squeezes through the tiniest gap, not wanting to cause any alarm if there’s inhabitants.

Should he knock? Or sneak in through the side entrance? 

Before he can answer that question, the door opens.

“Rimmer?”

\---

Lister feels like he’s getting conceptual whiplash as he’s lead through the foyer by a bouncy, bubbly Rimmer, who happens to be dressed in long white robes, and has a strange symbol in place of the H on his forehead.

“Oh, we are so pleased to have the master back! It’s been so long since any of us have seen you, but you’ve returned!” Rimmer turns around and hugs him tightly, and Lister… lets him. He doesn’t know why.

Rimmer smells warm and sweet, like incense and clean linen. 

A lightbulb goes off in his head. This must be the High from the parallel universe they ran into when they had the triplicator incident! This was starting to make more sense. But who were the others that High was talking about?

“Come, come, dinner is about to start!” High Rimmer tugs him into the dining room. The house is furnished much like an old house that he’s seen in movies and magazines, typical English countryside style. It’s nice, but the dinner guests make Lister feel like he’s been kicked in the gut.

It’s a round table, and there are multiple Rimmers sitting at it.

Lister recognizes a couple of the faces, but the third seems to elude him.

“Old love, good of you to make it,” comes Ace’s sure tone.

“Hello, darling,” is Low’s faux-sultry voice.

“Lister, aren’t you supposed to be quarantined?” Says holo-virus Rimmer.

“Well, isn’t this a charming visit,” is the last one’s response. He seems to just be normal Rimmer, but he’s… older. There’s gray in his hair, and he’s wearing a different, more modern style of uniform. He’s still…

Lister sighs wistfully. 

He’s still quite handsome.

Maybe he’s going space crazy, but in maturity, this Rimmer doesn’t look bad. He may have put on a bit more weight compared to the Rimmer he’s looking for, or have lines and wrinkles where his Rimmer is smooth, but he’s still… still Rimmer.

They all chat over each other over “dinner”, which is just empty plates, and Lister is confused, but tries to track the conversation as they direct questions to him.

“How is it like on the Dwarf?” “How’s everyone back home?” “Did you miss me, Listy?” “You’ve been very bad.”

It’s a whirlwind, and Lister begins to feel himself get dizzy. The older Rimmer clears his throat, he hasn’t spoken since he greeted Lister.

“I think our guest is tired. Why don’t I show him off to his room?

“Room? No, I-I really can’t stay the night, I must be looking for someone-”

Older Rimmer takes his arm firmly, and leads him down the hall. Once they’re out of earshot of the other Rimmers, he speaks to Lister quietly.

“Listen, if you want your Rimmer back, you have to follow my advice. I’m from some ten plus years in the future, moved over a couple dimensions, and I know exactly what happened. The jump caused a spatial tear, and I was sucked in from mine. However, since I’ve been through this before, I can tell you what you must do. If all goes well, this incident will be all dusted up and squared away. Now, listen closely, because if you mess this up, I’m not going to be able to get back to my time either.” He sighs and rubs his temples. 

“Right, what do I got to do?”

“You have to… make each of them….” he breaks off into a murmur.

“Make ‘em do what?”

Rimmer blushes.

“Make them… augh, I can’t say it, even now it’s so embarrassing to think about.”

“What do I got to do? I can’t stay here because you’re too coward to say it!”

“Kiss them!” Rimmer’s face is bright red. 

“What? You’re pulling my leg.”

“No, I’m not. You have to… kiss them.”

“I’ve gone space mad, haven’t I-”

“No, you haven’t. Listen, at this point in time, I was going through… some things. If you sort them out now, I’ll be returned to my dimension, you’ll get your Rimmer back, and everything will be right as rain.”

“And if I don’t?” 

“Well, you’re stuck here forever. And trust me, you don’t want to be stuck in a house with those two creeps and the smug git in the bakofoil. Now, I recommend you start with the loony in the gingham dress, he’s in the cellar around this time. He’ll be easy.”

Lister shakes his head.

“I ain’t dreamin’, am I?”

“Afraid not, miladdo. Now go, before any of them think you’re up to something.”

Lister nods, dumbfounded, and swallows hard as he starts down the hall, and down the stairs to what he hopes is the cellar. 

\---

The cellar is damp, cold, and a single bulb hangs from the ceiling. Beneath its gently flickering light is a holovirus infected Rimmer.

“Hello, Lister.”

“Uh-hah, hey. It’s um. Been a while, hasn’t it?”

“You should be in quarantine, don’t you realize how dangerous it is outside.” Rimmer tilts his head, stares at him with those dead eyes.   
Goddamn it, he has the penguin puppet too.

“I know, but I’d rather be in here, with you.”

“With… me?” Holovirus Rimmer narrows his eyes. “Why?”

“Well, figured you might need the company.” Lister draws closer, and Rimmer shies away, scooting out of his seat and backing towards the wall.

“Don’t come closer, I might infect you, or you might infect me.” Rimmer blushes, candy pink and Lister feels a bit odd for thinking Rimmer can look so pretty in pigtails and gingham.

“No, no, I won’t hurt you. I can’t catch anything from you, or the other way round.” He backs Rimmer up against a wall, and feels… very, very odd indeed as he presses his frame against Rimmer’s.

He feels like he’s a boy again, what with this Rimmer’s outfit consisting of gingham and lace topped socks in army boots, stuff that girls would wear, when he was getting his first crushes and he’d chase after their floral print and checkered skirts. It’s… strangely nostalgic, the way the cotton fabric bunches as they’re pressed chest to chest against a wall. 

Holovirus Rimmer begins to shiver, and he looks down at his shoes.    
“Oh, Mister Flibble always told me boys like you were trouble.” 

Lister shudders but tilts his chin up to meet him in the eye. 

“He’s right, but… sometimes it’s best to find out what boys like me can do, isn’t it?”

Holovirus Rimmer licks his lips, and nods. 

Lister leans in to kiss him, and runs his hands over his waist.

When he pulls away from the chaste kiss, Holovirus Rimmer’s knees are knocking together, and Lister rolls his eyes.

“Oh, Lister-”

When he looks back, he’s disappeared.

Huh.

One down, three to go.

\---

He thinks he’ll go with something easier this time. He looks up Ace, and finds him lounging in the library, reading an old, heavy looking tome.

“Hey, Ace.”

“Skipper, what can I do you for?” Ace looks up with a charming smile, flips his hair, and puts the book to the side. 

“Got a favor to ask of you.” Lister sits down besides him on the loveseat. Velvet cushions, fireplace, almost picturesque in its framing. This couldn’t be more perfect if he asked. 

“Whatever you need, I’ll do my best to achieve it.” Ace leans in. 

“What do you do, when you need someone to… fall for you? What’re some of the things that… that work?”

Ace hums thoughtfully.   
“Well, everyone who seems to have developed feelings for me usually start when I rescue them from the burning wreckage of their home, or a nuclear reactor about to go critical, or-”

“Ok, but what if you’re not rescuing them, and it’s just… a real normal, day-to-day situation, and today’s the day you might as well go for it. What then?”

Ace nods.    
“Well, I myself prefer a direct course of action. Just talk to me, maybe ask me to dinner, and perhaps a spin in the Wildfire… flying through the Milky Way with my special someone if it all goes well.”

Lister decides to lay it on thick as Ace smiles, and looks over at him. “What about you, skipper?”

“Me, well… I like to go for something simple too. Maybe, in a setting like this, where they look all glowing and wonderful by the fireplace,” he tries to think of something a Jane Eustace protagonist would say, “and… they’re smiling at me, I will just ask for one more thing.” 

They’re leaning in towards each other, Ace’s eyes closing and lips almost puckering up as if for a kiss. Christ, the guy melts like butter once you start preening him. 

“What would that be, Dave?”

“This.” 

Lister kisses him, short and sweet, but he doesn’t feel Ace pop out of existence like Holovirus Rimmer did, and Ace suddenly pins him to the loveseat.

“Oh, old love, don’t do that to me and don’t expect me to repay you in full.” Ace begins to nuzzle into his neck, sucking kisses under his bandana, and Lister’s eyes go the size of dinner-plates.

“Hey- hey!” 

Ace stops, and looks up at him, flushed and a bit nervous. Nervous? Ace?

“Sorry, old love. Getting ahead of myself. It’s just that… oh, now that you’re here, I suddenly feel so… ah.” Ace sighs delightedly as Lister takes his face in his hands and kisses him, noses bumping, but warm and sweet.

He arcs into his touch, knee between Ace’s thigh, and Ace rocks his hips. 

“Dave, I- oh, be mine, please.”

Lister almost forgets what he’s here for, but when Ace fizzles from existence in a smattering of gold dust, Lister feels a tinge of regret.

“What a guy.”

\---

Eugh. Lister feels a shiver run up his spine as he treads carefully through the decaying, wilted garden, and to the small cemetery behind the manor with cracked headstones, and a decrepit mausoleum. There’s a single candle burning on either side of the door, in the dusty lamps, and Lister groans.

Why does Low Rimmer have to pick the creepiest spot to camp out in?

Lister steps through the doorway, pushing the rotting wooden door open. It’s dimly lit with more candles, wax melting over the sides of stone tombs, and Low is leaning over one, in all his dark, feathered glory.

“Listy, I thought you’d never come find me.” Low stalks forwards, shoulders hunched, hips tilted and those long legs in fishnets look dangerous as he stretches across a tomb, right up to Lister like a tomcat.

“Well, I can’t not… visit one of my gracious hosts, right?”

“Right. And you’re so… mm, so wonderfully vulnerable, here, no weapons, nothing.” Low licks his lips, and leans in so close that Lister can smell his smoky breath. It’s almost cold, and it makes Lister shiver again.

He could do this. 

“You, uhm. You like this kind of setting? This sort of stuff?”

“Why, of course I do. I love everything that goes bump,” Low bites Lister’s ear, and Lister yelps as the pain distracts him from Low running gloved hands over his chest, under his shirt, “in the night. 

His fingertips are cold, in the fingerless lace gloves, and his nails are sharp, as he rakes them over his sensitive skin. Lister gasps, and tilts his head back. 

This was taking a turn for the strange, but Low isn’t… terrible to look at. Reminds him of an old girlfriend of his and-

Oh, smeg, his knees begin to buckle as Low laughs, deep and rich in his throat, rolls his hips against Lister’s and licks a stripe from his ear to his jaw. Low cackles as Lister lets out a soft noise.

“You’re so easy to break, doll.” One of his hands reach up to grab his chin roughly, and he kisses him, deep, hard, and slow. 

Lister groans, he shouldn’t be getting off to this, it’s all wrong and this isn’t really Rimmer-

But the creak of his latex corset and his leather jacket, the spikes of his collar that dig into Lister’s neck as they kiss, the handful of ass in his hand (how did it get there) makes him feel… very, very hot under the collar.

Low gasps and moans in a high, falsetto voice, and Lister thinks this has to end before it goes any further.

Even if it… looks a little like Rimmer, it’s not-

“Lovely chatting with you, but I have better things to do.”

Low’s eyes go wide, and Lister kisses him furiously, able to get him off balance to pin him down to the tomb in the center of the mausoleum, and its only when Low gives a long, shuddering sigh, and his eyes roll back, that Lister suddenly finds himself kissing the air, prevented from smashing his teeth in on the tomb as black ashes coat the stone and the dirty floor.

Well. That didn’t go nearly as bad as he’d expected it to go.

Legging it back to the manor, he shakes his head. He can’t believe he’s gotten himself into this mess for that smegging git.

\---

High Rimmer is easy to find, and picturesque in his white robes amongst the carefully tended to garden behind the manor. Seems fitting he’d be there when Low was only some distance away.

White roses bloom on the bush he’s standing near, and Lister tries his best not to spook him.

“Ah, my brother. How doth thou find thine self?”

“I’m good. Good. You?”

“I find this setting… refreshing. Where I am from, we have no blossoms such as these.” High looks at him wistfully. “Thou doth not such blooms, either, perchance?”

“No, we don’t have any like these on the dwarf. Just… weeds, mostly. All the nicer stuff got choked out so long ago.” Lister touches the soft petals of one of the flowers.

“Brother, come, let me hold thee.” High extends his arms, and Lister complies. High is comforting to hold, cushy in his baggy robes and his hair is longer than he’d expected, russet curls falling to his cheek. Lister lets himself relax into High’s touch, as he pets his back soothingly.

“Thou art troubled, brother.”

“Don’t call me brother, call me… call me Dave, alright?” God knows his performance would need it.

“Of course, Dave.” High lets Lister go as he pulls from his grasp, but doesn’t get a chance to wonder as Lister pulls him in by the waist.

“Dave, what doth thou desire?”

“You. Sort of.” Lister closes his eyes and kisses High gently, and High kicks his leg up in glee.

High disappears in a little cloud of smoke, and Lister is pretty sure that he heard a chorus of angels sing somewhere when he did.

\---

Down to the last one, Lister thinks. This was going to be weird, since this Rimmer clearly… knew things that this Lister wouldn’t. 

Older too. Which made Lister feel like he’d be kissing his uncle, or something-eurgh, that just made it weirder.

At least he’s easy to find, lounging in the foyer, as if to see Lister off.

“Hello, Listy.”

“Rimmer.”

Rimmer looks a bit regretful.   
“I’m sorry that I caused you this trouble-well, that he-”

“No, no, it’s… it’s alright. I think I’d rather have it be Rimmer than say, the Cat, or Kryten.”

Rimmer laughs. “That’s a mental image to behold.”

They’re quiet for a moment.

“Err, listen, do I have to…?”

“Yes, I’m afraid you do.”

“Ah.”

Lister looks down at the carpet as he scratches the back of his neck.

“So, I guess this is it. But before I-before we-well, I have a question.”

“Go for it.”

“Right, so, when you said that Rimmer-my Rimmer- was going through something during this time, what… what is it, when it’s like this in his… his little pocket dimension?”

Rimmer looks a bit pained as he thinks of an answer.

“To put it simply, your Rimmer has… well, he’s always wanted something to call his home. Someone to love, too. To love and be loved. And this is his pocket dimension’s way of manifesting it.” He looks embarrassed, and Lister nods.

“He’s lonely, isn’t he.”

“He is, at this time. I went through something similar, but I worked it out around this time. I just happened to get suckered into this dimension because the damn thing went off again in the cargo bay.” Rimmer looks a bit exasperated. “Anyways, if you’d like to… get down to business-”

“One more thing. How did you work it out?”

“Well, for starters I had-” Rimmer coughs, “I had help.”

“Oh? What sort?” Lister crosses his arms across his chest.

“God, you really were annoying back in those days. Alright. I’ll tell you. After I had this incident, similarly to your Rimmer, I talked with my Lister. The Lister from my dimension was worried for me, more than anything, and I told him some things I should have said a long time ago. Some very vulnerable sides of me were exposed, and well… ever since then,” Rimmer looks away. “We’ll have been together almost twelve years now. My Listy and I.” He sounds a bit proud of the last part. “We fight, we do most of what we’ve done all the time we’ve known each other. Only difference is we sleep in the same bed instead of bunks.” He smiles.

Lister stares at him, a bit in disbelief, but the other part of him feels light and happy for him. 

“Guess you’re not going to be taking your Rimmer’s hand in marriage anytime soon, but it’ll mean a lot to him, that you went back to save him. So come over, close your eyes and pretend it’s someone else if you want, I know I’ll be doing that.”

Lister swallows hard. 

This was new levels of weird. This Rimmer was dating him? Well, an alternate version of him?

He shakes his head. He had to do this for his Rimmer. His Rimmer.

That had a nice ring to it. 

He leans in, and presses a quick kiss to Rimmer’s lips, eyes closed.

He thinks of a young face, looking a bit forlorn, and staring far into the stars, as their reflections bounce off the clear glass of the observation dome.

\---

Lister feels the constriction of the vortex unfolding, and he shakes his head as he realizes he’s back on Starbug.

“Oh, sirs! You’re back!” Kryten claps his hands together. “I will inform our pilot that we’ve got you safely returned.” He rushes out of the room, and Lister shakes his head dazedly. At his side is the Rimmer he’s most well acquainted with, as much of a bastard he was, but he looks different.

Rimmer looks pensive, quiet.

“Hey, Rimmer.” Lister gently taps his knuckles against Rimmer’s hand.

“Lister.” Rimmer looks at him, eyes with an unreadable expression, but there’s no malice on his face, no insufferable goitiness. Just him.

“Whatever happened in that pocket dimension, if you… if you want to talk. We can talk.”

Rimmer inhales sharply.

“Lister….”

He looks at him with an expression of trust, of openness, and Lister doesn’t know why he suddenly feels so happy as he sits down besides Rimmer, on a cold metal crate, last human being alive and his hologramatic dead bunkmate. 

“Rimmer, I know I… well, neither of us treat each other great.”

“I certainly don’t.” Rimmer looks a bit ashamed for a moment.

“Yes, but-” Lister scoots in closer, until their legs touch, and he puts a hand on Rimmer’s thigh, “you know, there’s no one else I’d do something like that for, and you… you want to be loved, right?”

“Lister…”

“I know there might not be going back now. No escape, especially if I say this, but I… Rimmer, I’m here for you, alright? You’re here for a reason. Even if it seemed idiotic at first, I’m really glad that you were picked to come online for me. That you’re here right now. I think I would’ve lost it if it were anyone else.”

“Oh, Listy….”

“Rimmer, you’re a total smegging bastard,” Lister mutters, and Rimmer inhales sharply, “but I want to kiss you right now.”

“Go for it.”

“Huh. Maybe I will.”

Lister cups his face with one hand, and their lips touch.

He hopes this isn’t a pocket dimension, because unlike the others, he doesn’t want this to end.


End file.
